you got what you wanted, was it what you wanted?

So everything I didn't dare to let myself hope for last week, everything that was just possibility, is now reality this week. I got what I wanted, and now I suddenly can't tell if it was what I wanted. What is it about me that doesn't dare to hope for good things, that refuses to get excited about them, that downplays things for so long to keep from getting my hopes up, that when I get them I can't get excited anymore... I don't appreciate them.

I wish I could be unabashedly hopeful.

Here's one of the things I didn't dare get excited for, that I got, and I think is still pretty damn cool. The pictures in no way do it justice... I will post better ones when I can take them myself. 1932 New York Style apartment. And yes... those are French Doors to the sun room. woooot.

As for the other thing I'm downplaying. I'll tell you personally. Or electronically personally. Needless to say I'm back to my old vices.