-stuck-

so tonight, having caffeinated myself beyond my attention span and patience for paper-writing, i found myself killing a couple hours my re-reading some of my emails from two years ago, mostly from my time in the Gambia. it's kind of awesome how you can trace your thoughts and feelings through emails, maybe even a way you wouldn't do journaling. the dialogue (thanks to g-chat, and the nifty gmail conversation format) with friends and family back home brings me right back to the feeling of sitting up by candle light in my dirty little parlour in kanifing, being uncharacteristically honest about my fears and my feelings, maybe in a way you can only be when the person you are talking to is thousands of miles away.

it's amazing to be taken back to the loneliness of my first weeks, through to the lavish parties of my last few months. reading through i realize how much of the experience i've also forgotten: the financial stresses, the feelings of unfulfillment and restlessness, as well as the dread and uncertainty about the future that would start to creep in...what was i going to possibly do with my life when i got home? i realize that i grew so much over that 6 months, and have in the year and a half since returning home.

it all makes me so stuck though. i've had awesome opportunities since returning to canada, and have continued to move towards the career I've always wanted. i've made some great friends and had a lot of good times. in a word I've been incredibly blessed.

but there's a something missing: a depth of experience in every day that i had there that i haven't found back, and an openness of myself that i've lost again in the busyness of classes or in my recent 9-5 routine. i feel like I'm on autopilot, and like time is just rushing by and i'm standing still right now.

i feel stuck.

is this what "grown-up" life is?